Recovery
by KateCarter
Summary: Post-"Night". Janeway feels guilty.


Recovery By Kate O'Riley  
  
April 2003  
  
Ratings: PG Codes: J/C  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Thou probably doest not own Star Trek. I would be very honored if thoust did, being but a humble teenager, but, to use common language, "Ain't likely!". And if you do..WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! The common public got suckered! We had to trade the Delta Quadrant for the 22nd century?!?! Wait 97 more years, and you'll be there! I WANT THE DELTA QUADRANT BACK!!!!!! WAH!!!  
  
I do own the story. It's mine! Mine! You can't have it! Well, I guess I'll let you read it.  
  
This is the first story written solely on my laptop! Yah! From now on, Kate O'Riley stories will hopefully be churned out faster than ever! Which is good, cause at last count, I have.1, 3.five, I think, that I'm working on. Wait, no, six. Seven? Aw, I give up!  
  
=/\=  
  
I feel so guilty now.  
  
All during the trip through the Void, what did I do? I hid in my quarters and sulked. Like a spoiled child. I had self-pity by the truckload. I pushed away my closest friends. I pushed Chakotay away.  
  
That's all I've ever done. Push him away. He's come to me so many times, offering his friendship.his love. Sometimes, I lie awake at night, thinking. What would it be like if I accepted it? If I stopped pushing him away? I vow, that the next opportunity I got, I'd tell him my feelings.  
  
And I always chicken out. Run, tail between my legs. Change the subject. And I lie awake that night, thinking it over. And the cycle starts again.  
  
Why, oh why, did Starfleet put all the officers on one deck? Why couldn't his quarters be on Deck 15? Instead, he's right next to me. Every night, I know he's on the other side of the wall. Probably not tossing and turning like I am. Lucky man.  
  
Why does he have to be my first officer? How many captains have this conundrum? Stuck in the Delta Quadrant, and in love with your first officer. I have to see him, have to work with him every day.  
  
But I'm sure he can't bear me now. He deserves to be captain. While I was sulking, he took care of the ship. I heard the reproach in his tone when he'd come talk to me, come try to draw me out.  
  
He doesn't love me, not anymore. He can't.  
  
=/\=  
  
"Come in."  
  
Chakotay turned from where he'd been studying the stars outside the viewport. Blessed stars. After the horrible trip through the Void, he'd never thought he'd see them again.  
  
The trip through the Void. It still pained him to think of it. Kathryn, holed up, second-guessing herself years after the fact. Going through a depression so deep, so dreadful, that even he couldn't pull her out. The woman he loved, almost suicidal. He'd wanted to take her in his arms, to comfort her, to tell her it'd be all right. He nearly did, on so many occasions.  
  
This wasn't the time. He pulled himself away from his thoughts and faced the person who entered. One thought instantly rose to the surface.  
  
Speak of the devil.  
  
"I'm sorry?" She raised an eyebrow. He hadn't realized he'd spoken it aloud.  
  
"Kathryn. Sit down, please. I was just thinking about you."  
  
She accepted his invitation and sat on the couch. "Good thoughts, I hope."  
  
"Well." He couldn't tell her what he'd been thinking about. But she knew him too well. She gave him a careful scrutiny, then softly asked "The Void?"  
  
He nodded and sat beside her. She'd closed her eyes and leaned her head back.  
  
"Kathryn-" Picking up her hand, he held it tightly. "I want you to know, I think about you just the same as I did before it happened."  
  
She opened her eyes and sat up, turning towards him. "No, Chakotay. You don't. I don't." It came out in a whisper.  
  
"Kathryn-"  
  
"Chakotay, I came to apologize. I wanted to say, I'm sorry. I abandoned the ship.I abandoned you. I think I even abandoned myself. Please forgive me?" Tears were forming in her eyes. It broke his heart to see her so close to crying. He leaned over and gathered her to him.  
  
"On one condition, Kathryn. You forgive me," he said.  
  
"Chakotay, you haven't done anything." Kathryn looked at his face, which wore a troubled expression.  
  
"That was the problem. I didn't do anything. I wanted to help you, so badly, Kathryn-"  
  
"Chakotay, you did. I don't know what would have happened if you weren't there. Of course, I forgive you for anything you felt you might have done wrong. But I don't think you did."  
  
He felt like a weight had been lifted. "Kathryn, I forgave you while you were still depressed. Are we settled then?"  
  
"Yes," she laid her head on his shoulder. "We're settled, Chakotay. We're settled."  
  
His heart rejoiced, at the burden she had removed, from both herself and him. Shifting gently, he moved an arm around her and hugged her.  
  
"Thank you, Kathryn."  
  
=/\=  
  
Her heart felt suddenly light. She could go dancing around the ship's corridors, she felt so good. Chakotay had forgiven her. And he still loved her. Even if they never said the words, they knew. Even if she could never publicly do anything.she knew. And it sustained her.  
  
And as the ship covered the great distance before it, no one could possibly have told from the outside that inside, there were at least two very happy hearts. 


End file.
